A Change of Heart

First written August 31, 2013
I've been thinking a lot lately about a change of heart.  I have always been fascinated with these words.   The scriptures are full of so tires of hearts that have been changed overnight.  For most of us a change of heart is a life long process but sometimes a person is blessed enough to experience a change of heart in a short period of time.  This has been a miracle that has happened to me.  Sometimes trusting in the Lord can be scary, but if we put him first, he will help us and be there for us and our hearts can change.   Repentance can change our hearts.

"It is not repentance per se that saves us.  I tis the blood of Jesus Christ that saves us."
"true repentance makes a brilliant day out of the darkest night."  But how do we repent?  The first thing we need to do in Trust in the Lord.  I have been reading a book called Falling to Heaven, such an amazing view of the Atonement of Christ.  It talks about how in order to lift our burdens we need to take another burden.   But it is a burden that is light, that makes us feel lighter.  Interesting concept.  When I do something wrong I often take to myself to fix it and make it better.  When instead I need to turn it over to Christ.  That is why he came.  To help that burden be light.  If we don't take the additional burden we won't change.  I made poor choices.  I wanted to repent, I wanted to confess, I wanted the burden to be lifted from my shoulders.  But in order to repent, confess, I felt that it would cause a burden I would not be able to carry.  People would be hurt, my reputation could be ruined, my family would be so disappointed and at risk.  This was a burden I did not feel I could bare.  The problem was, I didn't have enough faith in Jesus Christ.  Enough faith that confessing and full repentance would actually make it better.  I didn't trust him when he said "come unto me and I will make  your burdens light"  I thought I would be better off just handing things on my own, ignoring it, pretending it didn't happen which amounted in continuing to deceive the people I loved which in turn created a burden that I couldn't carry, and I couldn't have help to carry.  I was on my own.  Until I finally took a leap of faith and put it in the Lord's hands I could never be free.  I am so thankful for the path that led to take that leap of faith, because when I began the true process of full repentance the burden did become lighter.  I had someone to share it with and things got better.  The hardest part is sometimes believing the Lord when he says to trust him, not to trust in the arm of flesh but to trust him.  When we follow his plan, he can and he will help us.

"Repentance means a change of mind and heart, we stop doing things that are wrong, and start doing things that are right. It brings us a fresh attitude towards God and ourselves."
"If we stay true and faithful the memory of our sins will be softened."
"It is our responsibility to avoid anything that would bring back old sinful memories."
"When we continue to have a broken heart and contrite spirit we can know God will remember our sins no more."

Repentance is so much more than being sorry for what I have done.  Often times I am sorry because of the consequences that I have to face because of my choices.  Repentance involves true Godly sorrow.  Alma 36 is a wonderful example of this.  I love this chapter.  Alma is sharing his conversion with his son Helaman.  He tells of his repentance.  His feelings about his sins.  He says that he was racked with eternal torment and was tormented with the pains of hell for "I saw that I had rebelled against my God and I had not kept his holy commandments_the very thought of coming before into the presence of my God did rack my soul with inexpressible horror.  But while he was harrowed up by the memory of his sins he remembered the teachings of his father about Jesus Christ who was sent to atone for sins of the world and he cried, "O Jesus, thou Son of God have mercy on me, and when he thought this he could remember his pains no more.  And oh what joy and marvelous light did he behold.  Yea his soul was filled with joy as exceeding was his pain-Nothing so sweet and exquisite as was his joy and from that time he labored to bring that sweet feeling to others and he was supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea and in all manner of affliction, and because of that he knew he would be raised up at the last day to dwell with him in glory and he said at the end "I will praise his name forever."  I have felt this way, and I know if I am faithful I can feel as Alma did and can be assured that I can live with him again.

The temple

I had the chance to go with Jackson and Emma to the temple a couple of weeks ago.  It was Emma's 12th birthday.  It was such a special experience to sit and watch them do Baptisms for the Dead.  As I sat I was filled with joy.  I was so happy that they had made it to this step in their lives.  I was so happy that as their mother I could be a part of it.  I'm so proud of them. 

It's been hard

It's been a hard year.  It started out as a fun year, but because of poor choices made by me it turned out to be a hard year.  It's still hard.  I've learned so much that I am thankful for, but again it has been so hard. 

The first thing I have learned is to stay close to the gospel.  The little things are everything.  I need to listen to the promptings I receive to go to the temple, to read my scriptures, to pray with my kids.  No matter how mundane life gets, do the small things everyday.  They are so important.

I have learned to protect my marriage and to give it everything I have.  I have learned that when it all comes down to it, family is all we have.  They are the only people who love us unconditionally.  Shawn thinks about me continuously and is such a good husband to me.  I could not be more blessed to have someone who loves me the way that he does.  I need to honor his love always.  I need to reciprocate his love.  I need to always put him first.

I have learned that the Atonement of Christ is real.  I have learned that Christ didn't only atone for my sins, but that through his Atonement I can be healed.  I can overcome pain, and hurt and that he is there waiting for me.  I have learned that he is my friend especially when I feel that there isn't anyone else I can count on.    I have gained a personal relationship with him.  I love him for what he has done for me. 

I have learned that my Heavenly Father loves me.  That he knows me and that he feels for me.  I have learned that he is merciful and that he is tender.  I know that he fights for my soul.  That he wants me to succeed and be the best person I can be.  I know that he provides tender mercies to me, to help keep me on the path, and to help me know that he is there. 

I've learned that we are all children of a loving Heavenly Father, and we need to treat each other that way.  I need to see people the way my Father in Heaven sees them, and care for them the way that he does.  We need to be tender with each other, and lift each other.  Life isn't about me being important, it is about helping others feel that they are important.

I've learned that pride and selfishness take us down paths we don't want to go down.  I need to be humble, I need to always look for ways I can improve and serve others.

I learned that I need to put every ounce of energy I have into my family and their well being.  I need to teach my kids the gospel, I need to show them that I love the gospel, I need to be an example to them of everything that is right and virtuous and good.

I learned that there are some things I can't change.  I have to be able to let go and move on.  I have to realize that not everyone will love me.  I have to realize and accept that I can't change that.  I have to realize that no matter how bad I think it hurts, it doesn't have to hurt.  I am in control of my own emotions and only I can change how I feel.

Sometimes things in life don't go the way we hope.  It's disappointing.  Sometimes it hurts so much we can hardly bear it.  Trust in the Lord to bring better things into your life. 

The Priesthood

So today was a big day. Jackson turned twelve yesterday and was ordained a Deacon today after church. I am so proud of him. Not sure there is a better twelve year old boy in all of the world. He is so prepared and so mature. He seems to have such a good understanding of his duties and what having the Priesthood means. His ordination was beautiful. The blessing was so fitting for Jackson. Shawn blessed him to have strength through the next few years. To be able to withstand the temptations that would come to him and to be a strength and a beacon of light to his friends. The spirit was very strong. Last year when we went through the open house at the Draper temple Jackson talked about the peaceful feeling he felt there. Today after the ordination he said he felt that same peaceful feeling and he recognized it as the Holy Ghost. He is excited about going to the temple and doing baptisms and fulfilling all of his duties as a Deacon.

Twelve is a great age, I wish we could stay here awhile.

job well done...

So I haven't been great at keeping this journal up. A lot happened to us in 2009, beginning in 2008, things that should be recorded, learned from, and remembered. We had our first bout of financial troubles...lucky us it was our first, one thing I have learned is that there is no guarantee it will be our last. It has been a hard couple years. The first year I didn't know if we could make it. The pressure of it all felt so overwhelming to me. I didn't think I had the strength to get through it. My first inclination was to look for a way out, in essence just give up. I remember being at a wedding with my friend Barbie, and just crying because I didn't know what to do. I didn't really feel like I had anyone to talk to about it. I could talk to Shawn of course, but he was already feeling the stress of it, and us talking about it just seemed to make it worse, and I couldn't share with him my deepest fears, and regrets, be cause I didn't want to hurt him or make him feel like I had lost confidence in him. I couldn't really even talk to my family, because they don't always seem to take my struggles seriously, I guess maybe because they don't realize that I actually do have things that are hard in my life...
Anyway, so I was talking to Barbie, I have always felt I could confide in her. And she was so inspired in her advice to me. She assured me that no matter what happened that it was Me and it was Shawn, and that as long as we worked together we could overcome anything, and the things we couldn't overcome, wouldn't really matter in the end...she was right. From that moment I only looked forward. Shawn and I went to work together these last couple of years, and have been blessed with miracle after miracle. I just want to acknowledge that, and be grateful for it. The crisis has now passed, but I have learned to never take anything for granted. I have also learned that only Heavenly Father knows what comes next for us, and that he is the one that will help us through our trials. The future for me now is filled a little bit with uncertainty, where I was so certain before. But I am also filled with peace, because I know we can weather a storm. I love this quote by Elder L. Tom Perry

" We can't predict all the struggles and storms in life, not even the ones just around the next corner, but as persons of faith and hope, we know beyond the shadow of any doubt that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and the best is yet to come."

I truly believe this, in the end all that matters is the gospel of Jesus Christ, and if I believe him, I do know that the best is yet to come....

I wanted to transfer this post to this site, because I am suprised at how much this Sunday School Lesson has changed the way I look at things. I am also suprised at how often the topic of sanctification comes up not only in the scriptures but in talks and in the writings of general authorities. Just today I was reading the Ensign article by President Eyring and He spoke about unifying our families and the scriptures he quoted talked about sanctification. Interesting. Anyway I am not sure I am any closer to my change of heart, however I am more and more aware of it. Oh and by the way I did give up Grey's Anatomy...yay me!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Not to sound preachy but.....
This is a long post and I don't want to sound preachy here, but I learned something cool today in Sunday School and wanted to write it down before I forgot I learned it. We were talking about Enos, and I have always loved the story of Enos. I loved how he remembered the things that his father taught him, that they sunk deep into his heart and that his soul hungered to be filled with the things of the spirit. I loved that he spent all day and most of the night in sincere prayer, and I have always loved the verse where he hears the voice of the Lord telling him that his sins are forgiven because of his faith in Christ. However I learned today that I have only been reading this story on the surface. I really never wondered much about Enos and what type of a man he really was before he prayed until this morning when I was reading with my kids. I was trying to give them some background and realized that I must have considered Enos a sinner, someone who needed to repent of a lot of things to have to repent all day and all night. But as I was giving background to my kids, I was taught by the Spirit that Enos actually wasn't a sinner, but that he was a righteous man, a prophet, who still felt the need to repent.Anyway it was interesting today because in Sunday school when we learned about Enos our teacher spent a good deal of time on just this point and I really liked the things I learned about Enos and it gave me a great deal to think about in my own life. Anyway the teacher confirmed my earlier prompting, that Enos was actually a good man, a prophet, who was living a very righteous life. And then she began to talk about the principle of sanctification. In the beginning of the chapter it talks about the wrestle he had before he received a remission of his sins. I learned today that phrase "remission of sins" deals actually with the process of being sanctified. Enos wasn't praying to ask forgiveness because he hurt someone's feelings, or because he told a lie or any sin of comission, he was actually praying to know that he was guiltless of all of his sins and that he was sanctified and completely clean before God of everything. In so doing he was unwilling anymore to commit sins of comission. His repentance process would leave him with no more desire to sin. For me it took the story of Enos to a whole new level.It also of course made me think of my own life. I think that sometimes I think things like, being reborn, or sanctification is reserved for prophets and apostles. In fact Elder Christopherson talked about it in conference, which after learning the true story of Enos, really intrigued me as to the process he had probably been through to prepare him to be an Apostle. Anyway back to me. Anyway it just hit me today that sanctification is a gift to all of us, through the Atonement of Christ. It is a process, but it can happen just as it happened to Enos, if we are willing to sacrifice the things of the world. I liked Elder Christopherson's words, he said, "You may ask, Why doesn’t this mighty change happen more quickly with me? You should remember that the remarkable examples of King Benjamin’s people, Alma, and some others in scripture are just that—remarkable and not typical.2 For most of us, the changes are more gradual and occur over time. Being born again, unlike our physical birth, is more a process than an event. And engaging in that process is the central purpose of mortality.At the same time, let us not justify ourselves in a casual effort. Let us not be content to retain some disposition to do evil. Let us worthily partake of the sacrament each week and continue to draw upon the Holy Spirit to root out the last vestiges of impurity within us. I testify that as you continue in the path of spiritual rebirth, the atoning grace of Jesus Christ will take away your sins and the stain of those sins in you, temptations will lose their appeal, and through Christ you will become holy, as He and our Father are holy. He then closed his talk in gratitude that he had the rest of his life on earth to testify of Christ and to build the Kingdom.Anyways I know this is kind of deep for a blog, but I wanted to write it down for my own benefit. I just wondered how many blessing I'm missing out on because I am not quite ready yet to give up Grey's Anatomy. It seems pretty silly.

Back to School Blessings

Last night for family home evening, Shawn gave all of the kids blessings for their return to school. He also gave me one. I felt the spirit so strong during each of their blessings. I noticed that I especially felt it when he spoke truth. For example when he told Britta that her Heavenly Father knew her before she was born. Or when he told Emma that she was a daughter of God. And I especially felt it during Jackson's when Shawn blessed him with the things he needed in order to deal with the things that he struggles with.

I also loved the blessing that Shawn gave me. I needed some extra strength and guidance in my life right about now. I love Shawn, I am so thankful he is a worthy priesthood holder.